And You Thought I was Done.

Announcement: I have changed blogging venues. Like a hip club in Hollywood the blogging scene changes frequently. Last week it was Blogging Schmogging, this week it's The Tupperware Club. It's a revamped site in collaboration with a friend of mine, it is where I will be spending the bulk of my time.

http://www.thetupperwareclub.blogspot.com

Hey You! (the shit I want to yell at people but never have the balls to.)

1. Hey you! Yeah you, lady in Whole Foods. I've got a news flash for you, just because you buy something in Whole Foods doesn't necessarily mean that it's good for you. You may have a few bags of organically grown spinach in your cart, but the health benefit of eating all that spinach is probably negated by the six pounds of Toblerone and 8 bottles of wine your gonna dust off tonight. I appreciate the fact that you're trying to be health conscious, but I don't appreciate the fact that you're a deuche. Oh, and please don’t give me dirty looks anymore when I try to walk past your cart.

2. Hey you, overly cologned dude in the bar with a fancy shirt. You’re like the T-rex of sleazy dance moves, grinding on anything that moves. I'm curious if a girl were to just stand still, would you be able to see her? I just wanted to let you know that the reason no one is talking with you is because you, my friend, are the victim of natural selection. I'm sorry, and I know the truth can hurt sometimes, but for the betterment of the human race, I'm gonna have to ask you not to attempt to procreate. It's nothing personal but nature has decided, in its own funny way, that a large portion of your genes are obsolete. In short, you're holding us down bro, as a species.

3. Hey you, ill-tempered homeless man, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but society doesn't owe you anything, so stop being pissed off. I understand you're just trying to get a few bucks for some malt liquor and maybe some soup, but don't get in my face about it. The truth is I only have a few bucks that I've allotted for my homeless man on the street fund and I'm a lot more likely to give it to the sweet benevolent old homeless man than you. I'd give you a consolation hug if you didn't scare the christ out of me.

4. Hey you, guy in the movie theater pretending like you're waiting for someone. I'm on to you! I know you came to the movie by yourself and you're just trying to wait out the uncomfortable period between when you sit down and when the lights go out. I'll bear my soul here bro, I went to go see 'Miracle' by myself once, but I'm gonna blame that mistake on the Nyquil and Ritalin binge. All I'm trying to say is that if you're gonna rock the movie theaters alone, at least grow a pair and rock the movie with a little confidence. I'd give you a consolation hug if your loneliness didn't scare the christ out of me.

"Literally"

For personal amusement I like to misuse common phrases and sayings in conversations and observe people's response. I'm not sure why, but I've always found this surprisingly entertaining. My new misused word for the week has been "literally", a response often used to link a hypothetical situation or story to an actual occurance.

For example, let's say I'm talking to my friend Jim, telling him a story about some person named Bob who is known around town to pee his pants a lot.

Brad: "Jim, I can't believe you crashed Bob's car. He's gonna pee his pants when he finds out."

Jim: "Literally!"

Brad: "Hahahaha, Good one Jim"

I find it more enteraining to use the word "literally" in situations that were meant to be interpreted literally in the first place.

Jim: "Hey Brad, we should try to get to the party around seven o'clock."

Brad: "Literally!"

Jim: "Um, yeah I know."

Running Thin.

There are about five coffee shops within a mile of my apartment that I used to frequent on a consistent basis, but over the past two years due to poor relationship management and unjustifiable quirks, I've managed reduce that number to one. There is only one Starbucks left on Bundy Avenue that will have me and I go there every morning for my daily rations, taking full advantage of their services while the relationship remains intact.

1. Peet's Coffee on San Vicente - About a year ago, during one of my fits of profession dissatisfaction, I started fielding some interviews. After a few interviews I was extended an offer at an undisclosed valuation company. Unfortunately, I thought the compensation package was insultingly low, so I didn't justify the offer with a response. Kind of a dick move, I know, but what was worse was that two days later I got a personal letter in the mail telling me how unprofessional I was, and formally revoking the offer. I thought it was funny and kept the letter to read from time to time for a good laugh. The problem is, the owner of that firm is a frequent customer of the Peet's on San Vicente and he happens to be there every time need some coffee. I thought I would be the bigger man, so to avoid the uncomfortable exchanges of dirty looks I stopped going to Peet's. This place is off the list.

2. Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf on Olympic Blvd. - The closest coffee place to my apartment is the Coffee Bean on Olympic, it's nestled in a nice little strip mall flanked on one side by a dry cleaners and the other by a strip club called 'Silver Reign'. Due to its proximity to the strip club this Coffee Bean tends to attract some unruly characters. Every Friday and Saturday morning a certain woman bursts through the doors with teased up bleach blonde hair, lipstick streaks half an inch above where her lip ends, and fake breasts reeking of sin. I assume she works as a stripper because she exudes a sense of dejected sexuality and paper thin confidence as she struts through the place like a fucking baboon in heat. Every time she steps into the coffee bean I get very reflective and self conscious, she makes me feel like I'm not standing in line for coffee but waiting outside of a room at a cheap motel in a shitty part of town trying to score some crack. This place is off the list.

3. Peet's on Montana Ave. - I'm not gonna lie, I love Peet's, the only problem is this place tends to appeal to the more affluent coffee drinkers and is located exclusively in the nicer parts of town. What pisses me off about affluent coffee drinkers are their fucking hobbies. Everyone who lives near Montana Avenue pretends to be into biking, every Saturday and Sunday they ride down to Peet's with their spandex suits, covered with sponsors, and sip coffee together. Whenever I go to this place I just want to inform on the 'hardcore' bike riders that caffeine is a diuretic, not exactly the best thing to have after a strenuous ride. Why don't they go down to the local Whole Foods and sip some Evian, or at least anything that will actually re-hydrate them. This place is off the list.

4. Starbucks on Arizona Ave. - The problem with this Starbucks is it's close to Santa Monica College and all the hip girls that go to SMC like to come get coffee here and bring their annoying little Chihuahuas, which is like totally the hip new dog to have. I equate going to this Starbucks to being in a Carbon Dioxide filled room and lighting a match...nothing is gonna happen, but who the fuck wants to be in a room filled with Carbon Dioxide? Case closed, this place is off the list.

Till Then.

I'll be back on August 22nd with a back log of lame-ass blog ideas.

Cynical Rambling Turn Social Ideology

In the slightly depressive month of February I tended to mask my despair with excessive amounts of NyQuil and an overly cynical attitude about everything. I'm not sure why, but somehow around the same time period I started reading a bunch of famous quote books. Naturally, I started to get a bit jealous that I didn't have a good quote to be remembered by. So in testament to that time of my life I came up with the line "love is just the intersection of coincidence and convenience."

I always felt the quote was a little overly cynical, but I thought it had a good ring to it, and it packed the perfect amount of shock value. It was interesting to see people's reactions when you take an emotion that so many hold dear and break it down to the lowest common denominator. It could even be justified to a certain extent, I mean without coincidence people would never meet and without geographic desirability, relationships would be too inconvenient to pursue.

But come spring time, the season of love, I stopped tossing my quote around, cause I didn't want to be remembered as an asshole.

At a bar in Texas last week, talking with a group of people, I saw the perfect opportunity for the reemergence of my quote. A friend of mine, Cory, found the phrase quite entertaining and after a few revisions we came up with the final version. "Love is just the intersection of coincidence, convenience, and compatibility." It was complete, the three C's, and I couldn't agree more.

A Hypothetical Office Situation I Might Find Humorous.

Laden with fatigue I struggled to keep my eyes open as I stared blankly into the unwelcoming void of my computer screen. In my sleep deprived, caffeine induced haze the words I read and re-read blended and digressed into a string of nonsensical phonetic utterances. A cheap digital clock rested on the corner of my desk bearing the unwelcoming news, 9:48AM, that gave me twelve minutes to finish the project.

With the last page printing out, I grabbed the unbounded bundle and rested the pile in my arms like a new born baby. With everything finally in order I made the final march into my bosses office and slapped the report down on his desk with a tired sense of confidence.

Me: I finally finished that report you needed. It took me all night but I got it done.

Boss: (lacking enthusiasm) Great! Could you do me a big favor and put it over on that table in the corner?

Me: Yeah, no problem. (picking up the report, I step over to the corner of the room and place the report on a table facing the wall.) You want it on this table here?

Boss: Yeah that's perfect. Could you actually move it closer to the edge for me?

Me: How this? (moving the report to the edge of the table).

Boss: Great! Could you do me a big favor and actually hang it off of the edge of the table a little bit.

Me: (a bit confused, I hang a portion of the report off the edge) Like this?

Boss: Yeah. Just a little further.

Me: Ok, is this alright?

Boss: A little more.

I reach down and hang the majority of the report off the table and step back for a minute, still confused and anxious. Slowly the report starts to slip off the table page by page, and finally the entire report tumbles into the waste basket below.

Boss: Right where it belongs...Now get out.

No Shame.

On Friday, Deloitte took my start group out to Catalina for the day, to show us their appreciation. Well I felt very appreciated, or drunk from the four shots I had to take for losing at miniature golf, sometimes I get those two sensations confused. After a long day of cruising the island a group of us went down to Desacando Beach for some more beverages.

On our way back from the beach there was a 10 year old boy sauntering along the sidewalk in front of me with an inner-tube around his waist. The young boy would bounce off of the hand-rails using his inner-tube while zigzagging back and forth across the walkway. If there is one thing I hate in this world more than dudes with their collars up, it's little kids walking in unpredictable patterns in front of me. So I put up with this kid for about 5 minutes before I decided to pass him on the left hand side. Just as I walked up parallel he sped up and got in front of me again. I couldn't believe this kid's nerve, so I went to pass him again, this time on the right. The kid started to speed up, I broke into a jog, he broke into a jog...I broke into a run, he broke into a run, and the next thing you know I'm drunk, racing a 10 year old down the street in Catalina, while his mother yells after us.

As we broke away from the crowd I knew I had to turn on the 'after burners' to show this kid who he was messing with. Luckily I jumped out onto the street, up ahead of us was an old man with a dog on a leash, sitting on a bench adjacent to the sidewalk. Startled by the commotion, the man's dog lunged forward in an attempt to bite the kid. Overcome with shock, the boy grinded to a halt just as I made the leap back onto the sidewalk. Overcome with a sense of victory I made eye contact and raised my fist into the air as a show of solidarity. A wave of shameful pride blanketed me.