Visages of my Lameness

(Warning: Self depricating humor below.)

I've been busy the last two weeks so I haven't had time to get any of my dress shirts dry cleaned. As a result, when I went to dress for work today the only clean shirt left in my closet was the lame shirt with the ultra thick vertical stripes. I considered resurrecting one of the less dirty shirts but I thought to myself...."Fuck it! Wear the stripes".

Then as I was finishing my morning routine I had to throw a little gel in my hair. The nozzle on my gel has been malfunctioning lately, so when I went to place some gel in my palm a massive blob came out. I thought about rinsing the blob down the drain and starting over but I thought to myself..."Fuck it! Let's gel this bitch up".

I left my apartment to drive to work in my mid-sized sedan. Yes, I own a mid-sized sedan, and there is a very good reason for it. Last year my old car died unexpectedly with only 80,000 miles on it. At the time I'd only been working for about four months and so I didn't have any money to blow on a new car. So I borrowed a few G's from the parents for a down payment and I went looking for the cheapest decent looking car I could find. Well I found the white Avalon at a dealer in Northridge and I thought to myself..."Fuck it! Rock the mid-sized sedan, who cares if I'm the only person under the age of 65 rocking an Avalon".

I slept really bad last night so I thought I would stop and get some coffee on my way to work this morning. There is a Coffee Bean about a block from my house so I popped in for a cup. When I got to the front of the line I ordered my typical medium coffee and the lady behind the counter informed me that they had just run out of the current batch and another batch would be ready in about 5 minutes if I wanted to stick around. I was running late for work so I thought to myself..."Fuck it! Roast me up a Latte."

On my drive to work I typically listen to the radio, mostly KROQ. But today was different, I was sort of in the mood to rock out, so I thought I would pop in a little White album and blast some Helter Skelter. As I was reaching up to my visor CD holder to grab the album a John Mayer CD fell out. I didn't really feel like putting the John Mayer CD back and searching for The Beatles so I thought to myself..."Fuck it! Rock the Mayer."

On the freeway I was just hanging out when 'Your Body is a Wonderland' came on from the CD. The song sucks, I know, but it's also kind of catchy. My voice was a bit raspy from the cold I've been fighting off so I started to sing a little bit to clear my vocal cords. Somewhere around the third verse I thought to myself..."Fuck it! Let's sing this shit."

So there I was cruising on the freeway in a mid-sized sedan, in an ultra-thick vertical striped shirt, with super gelled up hair, sipping a café latte, singing along to John Mayer, and not thinking a damn thing of it. Until an escalade pulled up beside be, the deep bass from his blaring hip-hop shook my mirrors. The driver's face was masked by dark sunglasses, we made eye contact and he began to laugh. His laughter pierced through me and I snapped out of the daze I'd been in all morning...what the hell was I doing...what had I become.

What happened to the guy who once spent three hours with a pocket knife hacking a palm fawn from a tree in Westwood because it would make the perfect garnishment for his balcony? What happened to the guy who rode an Acura Legend as deep into Mexico as he could and then paid an old Mexican man 10 pesos to electrocute him with a car battery to save face in front of his friends? What happened to the guy who...

....he drowned a long time ago...in my caffe latte......